Conflict with my family

[Kellynbobellen]

Ok, I dont really know if this post should go in this section or not but here it is anyways!!
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So, as you probably know by now that I am in the process of getting my SD and my trainer is looking at 2 different dogs to train right now.

Well, my trainer sent me some pictures of the dog she thinks will be best, which is a black lab and shepard mix.  She thinks that this will be the best dog for me out of the almost dozen other candidates that she went to check out.  All of the health, behavior, temprament, etc requirements are perfect with this girl and I think she is a beautiful dog!!!  So, I am excited!

Well, I showed my mom the picture and she started getting all frustrated....with me!  She is so worried about dog hair, so she thinks that because it has some shep blood in it that the shedding will be SOOOO much worse than just a lab!  I keep trying to tell her that every dog that we would possibly get is going to shed and there is just no way around that for what breed of dog that I have to get to be a mobility SD!!!!

I have already agreed to all of these clauses when it comes to getting a SD and all the things that my mom doent want or want to make sure I do that if I was livingon my own I wouldnt be worrying about!

I am frustrated that she is so adamant about me ONLY getting one breed or dog, even if that means that the dog isnt the best for what I need!  I am tired of just agreeing with everything she says, even if its not something I like or feel that she is being unfair!

This is my service dog, not hers, and it is more important to me that I get the right dog...not what the dog looks like!  I have told this to her before but she keeps talking about dog hair like I will actually be able to will the dog to never shed!  I have already bought a furminator brush and a dog hair vaccum comb, and also a pet hair vaccum attachement!  I told her that I would groom the dog every day if she wants me to and make sure that the hair is ALWAYS taken care of!  But, she is STILLL giving me a hard time about it!

I am paying for this dog and working really hard to raise the rest of the money...she is not helping me to fundraise and isnt even helping me by sending out emails to her friends with my chipin page!!!! 

I dont think its fair for her to dictate this and basically demand that I add another month of wait time before getting a service dog, and pass up on this dog that is perfect for me!  I mean what if I pass up on this dog and the other dog has behavioral issues or ends up with some health problems?!?! 

Im just very frustrated right now.  My mom is so supportive but it seems like as we get closer and closer to getting the dog she keeps coming up with things to add to the list of things i cant do!  I just dont get it!

[state_of_nowhere]

Please clarify. Are these dogs already in the program or is the trainer evaluating rescue/shelter dogs?

Are you a minor? Do you live at home with your parents?

All dogs shed. What breed does she think you should get, exactly?

[Roxie]

I know you don't want to hear this: so plug your ears or cover your eyes:

This is my service dog, not hers

You are very correct!  (and I think her decision kinda sucks) However: it's her home not yours and she makes the rules in her home. It is not her responsibility to meet half way or compromise her want/way she wants to run her house for any one - for any reason.

Your MOM makes the rules... you as a child living at home or an adult child living at home get to follow them!

If that is not something you wish to do - move out and get your own place. Then you can make the rules for your own home (as long as your landlord will be agreeable to that)  That's just what kids do: grow up and leave the nest - usually flapping real hard to keep going!

[Kellynbobellen]

State:  I am not a minor but I do live with my mom.  This is a dog from a breeder that she is evaluating but she thinks that it is the best dog that she has seen in a long time.

Roxie:  trust me I feel the same way as you are writing,  It is her home and she does make the rules and I ALWAYS good along with what she says!  Like I said, I have gone along with everything that she has requested and I dont mind doing it at all!  I fully support the things that she asks me to do!

I actually first really wanted to get a full Shepard or a Golden but she didnt want me to do that, which i was fine with.  The part that bothers me is that this dog, even though it is a mix...really doesnt have hair much longer than that of a full lab!  Its the fighting that bothers me!

But, I dont think that it is fair for her to be so dismissive and instantly judgemental about a particular dog just because of the word: Shepard.  I showed her the picture of the dog and she thought it was great until I told her that it was a lab and shep mix!

When you are an adult child living with your mother again....there has to be a level of compromise that needs to come from both sides!  Trust me, I am the most accomidating person with her and I have never push agasint something that she wants me to do, but I just fee like she needs to give a little slack about this!  When I get a SD, I will eventually be able to get a job again and eventually move back out!!

[Angie]

Just a sidenote...Labs shed INSANE amounts. They are my favorite dogs, I only had one though. And he shed more than anything I have ever seen shed before or after. You could brush him all day and he would still leave hair everywhere.

My golden doesn't even come close to shedding like a Labbie. And he had hair 3 times as long.

Good luck with everthing else

[Kellynbobellen]

Angie, thats what I keep telling her too!  I have even shown her articles or evidence about it online and she doesnt believe me!!

[Angie]

Oh, man...tell her from me...they shed like MAD. If he was still alive I would comb him out right now and take a picture for you. You could get 3 more Labs and a Pomeranian from his shed coat. Possibly a Polar Bear in the Spring months as well.

I get asked a lot from people in public which shed's worse..my Golden or a Lab. I tell people I've had both...and Lab's hands down could supplement the knitting industry. You don't need alpacas. You need Lab's, ! They are always surprised as the Golden has the longer coat. My Golden barely sheds anything!

Oye. Good luck again

[Kellynbobellen]

thanks!  I am going to copy and paste your comment in an email to her....maybe she will believe you!

[Angie]

  Go for it, I wish I had the pictures to help point it out Hope it helps resolve something for you...

[robbertbobbert]

Roxie and I often butt heads, but I'm going to have to agree with her on this one.

I'm an adult, and will be moving back in with my parents in about a week, and hopefully I'll only be there for a few months. I've been very independent since I was 14, so I've rarely sought my parents' approval on anything, but I had to as far as a dog goes. It's THEIR house, and as much as I said I would take full responsibility for him, the truth is, having a dog affects everyone. It may not only be about fur, your mom just may not be comfortable with a shepherd.

Does the breeder have extensive experience with SDs? If not, they aren't the best resource for picking out a dog. Your trainer should be helping you with that. Involve your mom in the process. If she isn't comfortable with the dog you choose, the situation will never be comfortable for anyone.

[state_of_nowhere]

If she doesn't have a problem with the dog until you tell her the breed, just tell her it's a new breed of lab...

[Kellynbobellen]

State your hilarious!  thats what bothered me too, that she had no problem with the dog and thought it would be good until I told her what breed it was!

and Robbert, the trainer is the one getting the dog not the breeder or me...she is the one who thinks its the best candidate

[Roxie]

Its the fighting that bothers me

How can there be fighting if you agree with how she wants to run her house?

When you are an adult child living with your mother again....there has to be a level of compromise that needs to come from both sides!

I am a mother of adult and adult-in-progress children and a grand mother. The only compromise I'm willing to make is allowing another adult to share MY space. And that is it!

All my kids know: same rules apply as when they were under age and lived at home: they will do chores, their own cooking and laundry - no smoking - drugs - overnight lovers - alcohol -  NO noise - and they will pay for all their own food - and activities and hobbies and goodies. They will clean up after themselves and the common areas. I rule the only TV and radio and CD player. They are welcome to buy their own and keep it in their space. They will also pay rent!

The longest any of my kids came home to live with me after leaving home as a teen has been a week to month and a half --- and that include my kids with disabilities! I spent a lot of time teaching them survival skills from birth on. Much of success has come from surviving through unspeakable hard times.

Robert bobert says she was on her own at 14. I applaud that headstrong focused survivalist!

The worst thing a parent can do is strip their child of the experiences and responsibilties that are required to "make it" in life.

Side note: the harder you try to manipulate your mom to doing what you want, the harder she will dig in her heels. At her age, she jolly well knows how to look up info on shedding dogs - if SHE wants to. So tacky and childish to try to show her evidence and articles. Stop trying to bully and and manipulate your mother! Respect her word and accept her decision.

Again: adult kids who are choosing to live at home - suck it up - follow the rules. And if one does not like it, they can choose 1) learn fast to like it, or 2) move out!

[robbertbobbert]

Robert bobert says she was on her own at 14. I applaud that headstrong focused survivalist!

I wasn't living on my own, but I mostly did for myself. I lived in my parents' house and was on their health insurance. Once I entered highschool (at 14), I saw my parents maybe once every three weeks. We all technically lived in the same house, but I'd maybe see each of them for five minutes, but never at the same time. I started babysitting when I was 12 and paid for all my own "luxury" items (including school fees, my clarinet and my ballet tuition that I didn't get scholarships for). When I got a real job at 16, I paid for all my own food and car expenses. I've done my own cooking, shopping and laundry as long as I can remember.

and Robbert, the trainer is the one getting the dog not the breeder or me...she is the one who thinks its the best candidate

Oh right! you did say that in your first post. I sometimes have trouble reading things from a computer screen. Is taking your mom to meet the dogs a possibility?

[Kellynbobellen]

wow Roxie, thats incredibly rude to say that to me!  I really like you and I respect everything that you say but this is out of line!  I am not manipulating or disrespecting my mother at all.  If you had read my comment I said that I have agreed and followed everything that she has said or asked me to do, without hesitation or second thought!  I have never tried to manipulate her or get her to do something that she didnt want to!

My family encourages open conversation and discovering new things, learning!  I dont appreciate that you try to harp on my mothers parenting skills when you dont even know the woman!  You cant even imagine the things that I have been through on my own and have not needed to rely on here or anyone else. 

I am extremely hurt by the rude comments that you just made and I think its totally disrespectful!  Everyone is different and they have different relationships with their family members, you have no right to say that they have dont something wrong with their parenting skills.  Im hurt and disappointent that someone whom I thought was a good friend would say something so cruel to me.